Why did the blonde fail her driver's license test 3 times? Every time the car stopped she jumped into the back seat.

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A dumb blonde walked into a barber shop wearing headphones. The barber said "i cant cut you're if you're wearing headphones." The blonde said "I HAVE to wear them,though! Then stormed out. This happened twice until the barber just jerked off the headpones. Then he remembered his lucky scissors in the other room. When he came back in the blonde was dead. He picked up the phones to hear what was playing. He heard:"Breath in, breath out.breath in, breath out. Breath in, breath out.

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There was a man who was playing golf and put three golf balls in his pocket. When another man came up and asked him wahat was in his pocket the first guy said golf balls then the second guy asked is that like tennis elbow.

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666 - The number of the beast

667 - neighbor of the beast

660 - Approximate number of the Beast

DCLXVI - Roman numeral of the Beast

666.0000 - Number of the High Precision Beast

0.666666 - Number of the Millibeast

/ 666 - Beast Common Denominator

666 ^ (-1) - Imaginary number of the Beast

1010011010 - Binary of the Beast

6, uh... what was that number again? - Number of the Blonde Beast

1-666 - Area code of the Beast 0666 - English area code of the Beast

00666 - Zip code of the Beast

1-900-666-0666: Live Beasts! One-on-one pacts! Call Now!

Only $6.66/minute. Over 18 only please.

$665.95 - Retail price of the Beast

$699.25 - Price of the Beast plus 5% state sales tax

$769.95 - Price of the Beast with all accessories and replacementsoul

$656.66 - Walmart price of the Beast

$646.66 - Next week's Walmart price of the Beast Phillips

666 - Gasoline of the Beast

Route 666 - Way of the Beast

666 F - Oven temperature for roast Beast

666k - Retirement plan of the Beast

666 mg - Recommended Minimum Daily Requirement of Beast

6.66 % - 5 year CD interest rate at First Beast of Hell National Bank,

$666 minimum deposit.

666% - Interest rate charged by Tony the Beast, local loan shark.

666iv - Local statute number regarding Beast parking.

"If 666 Was 999" - recently discovered Jimi Hendrixixix outtake.

DSM-666 (revised) - Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of the Beast

Lotus 6-6-6 - Spreadsheet of the Beast

Word 6.66 - Word Processor of the Beast

i66686 - CPU of the Beast (sic) (sic) (sic) - three Beastly errors in

spelling or grammar in the original.

666i - BMW of the Beast

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did you hear about the accident at the army base? a jeep ran over a box of popcorn & killed 2 kernals

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Q. What's the difference between President Clinton and the Titanic?

A. Only 1500 went down on the Titanic

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One day Joey asked his grandmother how old she was. His grandmother said that you should never ask a woman her age. Later on Joey asked his grandmother again. And his grandmother still wouldn't tell him. When his grandmother was making dinner, Joey came in the kitchen and said,"I know how old you are grandma. You are 61 years old." His grandmother asked, "How did you find out?" Joey said,"I looked on your driver's liscense. Except I didn't understand one thing. You failed sex?"

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There was a Rabbi who went to the Catholic Priest at the church and asked "How do you get the money to make your church so beautiful?". Father said "We hear confessions; observe while I demonstrate". So the priest gets in the center compartment, the Rabbi on one side and in walks the first penitent. "It's been one week since my last confession and I have commited adultery three times". Father says "For your penance say a Hail Mary and put five dollars in the collection box and your sins will be forgiven". The next penitent walks in and says "It's been one week since my last confession and I've committed adultery three times". Father says "For your penance say a Hail Mary and put five dollars in the collection box and your sins will be forgiven". The Rabbi says, "Ooh, can I try?" So the priest and the Rabbi switch booths. In walks the next penitent. "Can I help you" says the Rabbi. The penitent says "It's been one week since my last confession and I've committed adultery two times". The Rabbi says "Go out and do it a third time; we have a special - Three for five dollars!".

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Two little kids, aged six and eight, decide it's time to learn how to swear. So, the eight-year-old says to the six-year-old, "Okay, you say `ass' and I'll say `hell'". All excited about their plan, they troop downstairs, where their mother asks them what they'd like for breakfast. "Aw, hell," says the eight-year-old, "gimme some Cheerios." His mother backhands him off the stool, sending him bawling out of the room, and turns to the younger brother. "What'll you have?"

"I dunno," quavers the six-year-old, "but you can bet your ass it ain't gonna be Cheerios."

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A guy walks into a bar. He sits down and says to the bartender, "I'll bet you $100 that if you put a shotglass at that end of the bar, I could stand at the other end and fill it up with my urine." Well the bartender thinks, "That's an easy $100." So he says "Okay." So the guy gets on top of the bar and pees everywhere, even on the bartender. Well, the bartender doesn't care, he just won $100. So very happily the bartender asks for his money. The guy very happily says, "Here you go!" The bartender then asks, "Why are you so happy?" And the guy says, "Well, do you see that guy at the other end of the bar? I bet him $1000 that I could pee on you and you would be happy!"

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A snail comes to a door of a grouchy old man and says can I come in the old man says no and kicks the snail adn the snail flys a few feet. 5 years later the same snail comes back and says why'd you do that for?!?

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There was a German, Swedish and a Polish guy stranded on a Island. They find a genie bottle in the water, they rub it and a genie pops out. The genie says since there is three of you, each one gets one wish, so he starts with the German guy and asks him what he wishes, he says, "I miss my wife and family very much so I would like to be back home." Poof, the German guy is gone. Then the genie asked the Swedish guy what his wish will be and he says, "I also miss my wife and family very much I would like to go home too. Poof, the Swedish guy is gone. Then the genie asked the Polish guy what his wish will be and he says, "You know I miss the other two guys very much I wish they would come back. Poof the German and Swedish guys came back.

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there is a man that has an office on the street and can see ou a window. one day he sees these texas aggies two coming from one direction and two from the other. everyday they come right in front of his window jump up, give eachother high fives and yell "51 days" well this goes on for 2 days and one the third day he goes outside and stops the aggies before they do there thing and says hey ive benn watching you guys for 2 days jumping up giving high 5's and yell 51 days and i want to know what you're doing. the aggies say we're celabrating the man says well what for and they say we did a puzzle that said 2-4 years and we did it in 51 days!!!

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A man and a duck are walking down the street together. Suddenly the man notices a low flying airplane comming right for them. So the man yells DUCK!!!! and the duck yells back at the man with an angry face MAN!!!!

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Why does Bill Clinton where underwear? To keep his ankles warm.

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Three Doctors arrived in heaven. St. Peter asked the first one why he should be let into heaven. The doctor said "Because I won the Nobel Peace Prize for my work." The second doctor was a little worried when his turn came. He said, "I haven't won any prizes, but I've started free clinics and helped those in need for free." St. Peter let him in. The third doctor said, "I'm responsible for all the HMO's across the United States." St. Peter thought about it for a minute and said, "OK, I'll let you in, but only for three days!"

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"I dunno," quavers the six-year-old, "but you can bet your ass it ain't gonna be Cheerios."

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One day a blonde went to a sea food resturant and saw the tank where they kept the lobsters. She took pity on these creatures and hide them in her purse. Later she went to the woods to set the poor animals free.

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Fu, Bu and Chu immigrated to the US from China.

They decided to become American Citizens, and "Americanize" their names.

Bu - called himself "Buck"

Chu called himself "Chuck"

and Fu had to go back to China :)

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what do you call a spice girl in a toaster?

- a pop tart.

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Five reasons computers must be female...

5.- No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

4.- Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.

3.- The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

2.- The message, "Bad command or filename", is about as informative as "if you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you".

1.- As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

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Three guys were standing at the top of the Empire State Building in NYC. The first guy says to the second, "You know, the wind currents are so strong here in NYC that one could step off the edge of the building and literally float in mid-air due to the upward thrust of the thermal air current."

"No way, man, you're crazy," said the second guy to the first. So the first guy steps off the edge of the building and justs floats in mid-air for about 20 seconds and then returns to the roof of the building.

The second guy is simply thrilled and says, "watch me do that" as he steps from the edge roof into the open air. Of course he falls like a stone straight down all the way to the waiting pavement below--SPLAT!

The third guy, who has remained quiet the entire time, leans over to the first guy and say, "You know something Superman, sometimes you can be a real asshole!"

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Isnt' this true?

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist.

If you stay home and do the housework, you're a pansy.

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.

If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation.

If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your ass and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism.

If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.

If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

If you cry, you're a wimp.

If you don't, you're an insensitive bastard.

If you thump her, it's wife bashing.

If she thumps you, it's self defense.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.

If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.

If she asks you, it's a favor.

If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you're a pervert.

If you don't, you're a fag.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're sexist.

If you don't, you're unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.

If you don't, you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you're after something.

If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements, you're up on yourself.

If you don't, you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she's tired.

If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.

If you want it too often, you're oversexed.

If you don't, there must be someone else.

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Memo to all students:

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and

productivity

from students, it will be our policy to keep all students well taught

through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TEACHING (S.H.I.T. ). We are

trying to give our students more S.H.I.T. than any other school. If you

feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the course,

please

see your lecturer. You will be immediately placed at the top of the

S.H.I.T. list, and our lecturer are especially skilled at seeing that

you

get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.

Students who don't know S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL

EDUCATIONAL EVALUATION PROGRAMS ( D.E.E.P S.H.I.T. ). Those who fail to

take D.E.E.P S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EDUCATIONAL ATTITUDE

TRAINING ( E.A.T. S.H.I.T. ). Since our lecturers took S.H.I.T. before

they

graduated, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, as they are all full

S.H.I.T. already.

If you are full of S.H.I.T. , you may be interested in a job

teaching

others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST (

B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T. ). For students who are intending to

pursue a career in management and consultancy, we will refer you to the

department of MANAGERIAL OPERATIONAL RESEARCH EDUCATIONAL ( M.O.R.E.

S.H.I.T.). This course emphasizes on how to manage M.O.R.E S.H.I.T. . If

you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TEACHING

SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING ( H.O.T. S.H.I.T. )

Thank you

BOSS IN GENERAL SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TEACHING

( B.I.G S.H.I.T. )

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A deer hunter sat crouched in the forest awaiting his next innocent victim.

From behind him came a large, healthy buck. The magnitude of the buck's giant antlers shaded the hunter from the sun.

"What are you doing?" asked the buck.

"Trying to kill you and your family" replied the hunter. "I want to go back and tell all my friends what a great achievement I've had."

"What achievement is there in killing a defenseless creature with a brain the size of a quarter that you've been feeding all year?" asked the buck. "You are killing prey that you've trained to go to a certain place while you wait like a coward for them to arrive."

"No", said the hunter. "You are wrong. You have to be very smart to stalk and kill wild prey. Only a real man can outsmart the instincts of a wild animal."

"Well then turn around." said the deer. "You've been putting our food over there all year."

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: how do you catch a bear?

A: dig a hole a hole and fill it with ash from a fire. place peas around the hole. then hide. when the bear comes to take a pea, you kick him in the ash.

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Two herrings, Cain and Abel, went to a bar regularly for refreshment. One day Cain showed up alone and the bartender asked, "Where's your brother?"

"How should I know," said Cain. "Am I my brother's kipper?"

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Q>What do you call a fly with no wings?

A>A walk.

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A man was driving down the road in the country. He looked over and saw a baby pig in the field. He stopped and picked up the pig. He was driving around town with the pig in the car and a cop sees him and pulls him over. Cop says "Hey, What are you doing with that pig in the car?", driver says "Well, I just found the pig beside the road in the field.", cop says" I want you to take that pig to the zoo!" the driver agrees he will take the pig to the zoo. So the next day the cop sees the guy driving around again and pulls him over. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO TAKE THAT PIG TO THE ZOO!!" reply, "Well I did take the pig to the zoo. We had such a good time we are going to the ball game now."

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What do the Green Bay Packers and The Los Angeles Police Department have in common? Neither can stop a Bronco!

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Bill Clinton has finally gotten rid of Monica Lewinsky!!

He had Ted Kennedy driver her home!

Everyone knows you get "aids" from sex!

Pres. Clinton gets sex from "aides"!

When asked how she felt about the allegations against her husband, Hillary said, "I just pray that Monica doesnt get Lock Jaw"!!

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A man was sitting in a bar complaining about how much he hated his wife. After a few minutes the man next to him said "Hello. My name is Art. I couldn't help but overhear you. If you give me a dollar I'll kill your wife for you." The man said "Great! She'll be at Kroger's tomorrow in a black car." The next day Art went to Krogers and strangled the woman. There were 2 old ladies watching him, so he strangled them too. Then the police arrested him. The headline the next day said: "Art Chokes 3 For A Dollar At Kroger's"

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There were two crazy person wanting to pulldown mangoes. They started to throw stones at the mangoes but it was imposible to hit one. So One crazy man told the other "How will we know if the mangoes we are trying to knock down are ripe and juicy. so the other one said why you don't go up the tree and see if the mangoes are ripe and juicy in that way we will know if we are just waisting time throwing and throwing stones at those mangoes.The man came down and said "Yes, the mangoes are ripe and juicy that means that we could continue throwing mangoes until we hit them down..

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Q: Why did a piece of shit cross the road?

A: Because it was stuck to the chicken's foot

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What do you get when you mix an elephant and a fish? A. Swimming Trunks

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What do you do if your wife has a fit in the Bath?

Put the dishes in!

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Q?What do you call a Spice Girl with half a brain? A!Pregnant!!!!

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Q. Did you know that the TOOTH-BRUSH was invented in Arkansas.

A. It had to be, because if it was invented anywhere else, it would be called the TEETH-BRUSH. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why does golfers(golf players) have to bring two shirts in a golf competiton ?

So that he has a spare when he has a 'hole in one' !

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Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink? Because that's where you're meant towash vegetables.

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A man was driving along one day and he hit a rabbit. Feeling terrible he stopped and got out of the car to see if it was badly hurt. To his dismay, the rabbit was dead. Unsure what to do, the man runs to the nearest building, wich happenes to be a salon. He says to the hair dresser, "I've just hit and killed a rabbit in the midle of the road! What should I do?" He hairstylist think a moment, then says "I think I have just the thing." He grabs a few bottles from a shelf and runs out to the rabbit. Opening the bottles, he poured the contents ono the rabbit. Miraculously, the rabbit jumps up, shakes itself, looks around, then hopps of. It went a few feet, then turned and waved, went a few more feet, then turned and waved again. This odd behavior continued untill the rabbit was out of sight. The man looked and the Hairdreser in amazement and says, "Wow! What did you do?" "Oh," the stylist responded, " I gave it a hair revitilisant with a wave!"

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Once there were three men, Dave, John, and Sam, who were involved in a tragic car accident in which all three died. As they stood at the gates of heaven St. Peter came up to them and said, "You will all be given a method of transportation for your eternal use around heaven. You will be judged on your past deeds, and will have your transport chosen accordingly." St. Peter looked at Dave and said, "You, Dave, were a bad man. You cheated on your wife four times! For this, you will drive around Heaven in an old beat up Dodge." Next St. Peter looked at John and said, "You, were not so evil, but you still cheated on your wife two times. For this, you will forever travel around heaven in a Toyota stationwagon." St. Peter finally looked at Sam, and said, "You, Sam, have set a fine example. You did not have sex until after marriage, and you never cheated on your wife! For this, you will forever travel through heaven in a Ferrari." A short time later, Jon and Dave pulled up in their cars next to Sam's Ferrari and there he is, sitting on the hood, head in hands, crying. "What's wrong, Sam?" they asked. "You got the Ferrari! You are set forever! Why so down?" Sam looked up, ever so slowly opened his mouth and cried, "I just saw my wife go by on a skate board."

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Q.How many Microsoft Engineers does it take to replace a light bulb? A.None.They declare darkness as a new world standard.

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A little Bear is at his custody hearing. The judge asks the little bear whom he wants to live with.

Well, I don't want to live with Mamma bear, she beats me.

And I do not want to live with Papa Bear, he beats me too.

The Judge asks little bear if he has any relatives whom he likes.

Little Bear says no. . . I want to live with the Chicago Bears, the don't beat anybody

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Why do blondes stare at juice cartons? answer: the lable says"consentrate'

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A man was crossing a rosd one day when a frog called out to him and said, "if you kiss me I will turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over , picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "if you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week." The man took the frog out, smiled at it and returned it to his pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING that you want." Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "what is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I will stay with you for a year and do any thing that you want. Why want you kiss me?"

The man said, "look I'm a computer programmer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a TALKING FROG IS COOL."

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One day a woman came up to her husband and told him that the TV was broken and she was missing her shows. "Does it say cable repairman anywhere on my forehead?" he asked. "No," she said. A few minutes later she came back and told him that the porch was breaking and it was dangerous. "Does it say carpender anywhere on my forehead?" he asked. "No," she said again. A few minutes later she came back and told him the toilet was backed up. "Does it say plumber anywhere on my forehead?" he asked. "No," she replied. A couple of days later he went on a buisness trip. When he came back he asked how things had been. "Well," she said, "our neighboor down the street came over and fixes our TV, repaired our porch and unclogged our pipes." "What did he ask for in payment?" he wondered. "All he asked for was a chocolate cake or a kiss," she told him. "What did you do?" he asked. She looked at him smugly and said: "Do you see Betty Crocker written anywhere on my forehead?"

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This panda walks into a bar. He sits down at a table. A waiter comes, and the panda orders his food, and eats it. Then, he pulls out a gun and blows the brains out of the waiter. Then he gets up and is about to leave when the bartender yells, "Hey, you just shot my waiter! Where do you think you're going?" And the panda says, "I'm a panda! Look it up!" So the bartender looks up "panda" in the dictionary. It reads: "Fur-bearing mammal, lives in Australia. EATS CHUTES AND LEAVES."

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Paddy and his two friends are talking at work.His first friend says:"I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician.The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."

His second friend says:"I think my wife is having an affair with the plummer the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."

Paddy says:"I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both his friendds look at him with utter disbelief. "No I'm serious.The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."

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The pope was on a trip to California. He got a very sporty pope-mobile for this trip. He begged the chauffer to let him drive. Finnally the chauffer gave in and let the pope drive. Of course, the pope went crazy and was going too fast. Finally he ran a stop light and was pulled over by a policeman. The cop called his station to ask them what to do because he just pulled over somebody very, very important. His sargent asked who , our mayor, a movie star, or what?? The cop replied, " Well I'm not sure who, but he must be really important because the pope is his chauffer!!"

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A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little and get your hair cut and we'll talk about it."

After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father's study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!"

The young man waited and minute and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, why even Jesus had long hair...."

To which his father replied...."Yes, and they WALKED every where they went!"

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There is a blond driving through the country. She has just died her hair brown because she is sick of being made fun of. She is really hungry. She stops at a farmers house and says "Hi! If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I have one?" Farmer says ok. She quickly counts them and says "91!" The farmer looks around puzzeledly and says "Ok. Take one." When the Blond is walking back to her car the farmer asks "If I can guess your natural hair color, can I have my dog back?"

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A piece of rope walks into a bar and orders a beer. The Bartender asks "Hey, are you a piece of rope?" The rope answers yes and the Bartender says "We don't serve rope." So the rope go's outside and ties himself in a knot and comes back in. "Gimme a beer," he says. The bartender looks at him and asks "Hey, are you a piece of rope?" The rope answers yes and the Bartender says "We don't serve rope." So the rope go's outside and frays the top of his head. He walks back into the bar and says "Gimme a beer." The Bartender takes a long look at him and says' " Hey, aren't you that piece of rope?" and the rope say's "Nope, Frayed Knot."

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One person was travelling in the train and his seat was reserved in the last couch of the train. Everytime the train stops at station and he faced so much of problem as all shops to purchase eatables were far off. He was very upset and everytime he was remembering that it all happened as I am in the last couch. When he got down at the destination station, he asked the station person that he wants to lodge a complaint against the railway staff. The complaints and suggestions book was given to him and he wrote

1. There should not be any last couch in the train.

2. If there is any last couch in the train, it should be kept somewhere in the middle.

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A motorway police patrol overtook a lady drving very slowly, stopped her & asked her why she was crawling along. "Because the sign said M30, & I thought that was the speed limit!" "No, ma'am, it isn't," sighed the policeman "What a good thing you weren't on the M1!".

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Tommy: Ms. Craker I do not think I diserv zero on my test.

Ms. Craker I don't eather but that is the lowest I can git you.

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(1.Q) How many divorced Men does it take to screw in a light bulb?

(1.A) Who knows they never get the house.

(2.Q) How many divorced Women does it take to screw in a light bulb?

(2.A) 4..... 1 to screw in the bulb, 3 to form a support group.

A grasshopper walks into a bar . The bartender says " hey we've got a drink named after you " . " Really " says the grasshopper ,"you have a drink called Jim ?" .

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A grandmother recieve this note from her 13-year-old grandaughter:

"Thanks for the check.I will use it to buy things my parents say are a waste of money."

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How Come 2 Chinese People Can't Have A White Baby?

Because 2 Wong's don't make a White

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What do you call a dead blonde in a closet?

Last years winner to the hide and go seek contest.

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what do you get if you cross an insomniac, an agnostic and a dilexic?

someone who's up all night wondering if there is a dog.

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Q: What did Tennessee?

A: The same thing Arkansas!

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The good part about being bald is that when someone walks

in the room all you have to do is fix your tie.

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How did the blonde try to kill the fish?

She tried to drown it.

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THE NEW DIVORCE BARBIE IN OUT IN STORES NOW.

SHE COMES WITH HALF OF KENS STUFF

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A grasshopper walks into a bar . The bartender says " hey we've got a drink named after you " . " Really " says the grasshopper ,"you have a drink called Jim ?" .

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A grandmother recieve this note from her 13-year-old grandaughter:

"Thanks for the check.I will use it to buy things my parents say are a waste of money."

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How Come 2 Chinese People Can't Have A White Baby?

Because 2 Wong's don't make a White

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What do you call a dead blonde in a closet?

Last years winner to the hide and go seek contest.

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what do you get if you cross an insomniac, an agnostic and a dilexic?

someone who's up all night wondering if there is a dog.

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Q: What did Tennessee?

A: The same thing Arkansas!

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The good part about being bald is that when someone walks

in the room all you have to do is fix your tie.

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How did the blonde try to kill the fish?

She tried to drown it.

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THE NEW DIVORCE BARBIE IN OUT IN STORES NOW.

SHE COMES WITH HALF OF KENS STUFF

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A skelton walked into a dentist's office for a routine check up. "Well your teeth look fine" said the dentist, "but I'm afraid you'll have to come back a few times for gum disease treatments."

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A dumb blonde, a smart blonde and Santa Clause jumped off a bridge at the same time. Who made the biggest splash? The dumb blonde. The others don't exist!

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Q: How many men does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: We don't know, it's never been done!

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A hunter stopped into a bar for a beer at the end of his day.

"So you're a hunter," observed the bar maid. "Doesn't it depress you to kill beautiful and innocent animals who could never hurt anyone?"

"Not at all" said the hunter. "We hunters only kill the sick animals. The environment is better off because we kill animals that should be taken out of the wild. We provide a valuable service."

The bar maid looked out onto the hunter's Land Rover and saw the now lifeless big brown eyes of the slain beautiful deer. "You shot Bambi!" she exclaimed. "How could you kill Bambi?" "No ma'am" defended the hunter. "I didn't kill Bambi. That is Bambi's sick and dangerous brother Spike. I spotted him with an elevated white blood cell count indicating a rare but deadly bone disease."

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Q: WHAT IS THE DIFFRENCE BETWEEN MEN AND BATTERIES? A: BATTERIES HAVE A POSITIVE SIDE.

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God made man. Then said, "I can do better than that." And made woman.

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Q: What's the difference between Outlaws and In-laws? A: Outlaws are wanted.

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Why are blond jokes so short? So men will remember them.

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A blonde bombshell walks into the airplanes and sits in 1st Class and the stewardess asks her for her ticket...The stewardess tells her that she only has a coach ticket. The blonde says, "Im a cute lookng blonde and i'm flying first class." The stewardess replys that she only has a coach seat to Atlanta....the blonds then retorts, "I'm a cute blonde and i'm flying first class". Just then the captian happened by and asked what was happening....the blonde tells him, "I'm a cute blonde and I'm flying first class....The captian whipers in her ear...and the blonde gets up and jumps into a seat in the coach cabin...The stewardess asks the captain what he said to get her to move so fast.. He replied, "I told her that 1st class is not going to atlanta."

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A woman would rather have beauty then brains because a man can see better then he can think.

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If a lawyer and a full can of beer both fell off the top of the Empire State Building at the same time, which one would hit the ground first?

Who cares?

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A lady doing laundry discovered that the dryer stopped getting hot. "Hey honey" she called to her husband. "The dryer's broke.. can you fix it?" "Who do I look like... the Kenmore repairman?"

A few days later the dishwasher broke. "Hey Honey, the dishwasher broke. Can you fix it?"

"Who do I look like... the Maytag man?" grumbled her husband.

A few days later the oven broke. "Hey honey... I can't fix dinner... the oven broke. Can you fix it?"

"Who do I look like... an oven repair man?"

A few weeks later the husband said to his wife, "Hey honey. I noticed you got all that stuff around the house fixed. How much did it cost?"

"Well" the wife replied, "You know Mick next door. Well, he agreed to do all the repairs for free if I'd sleep with him or bake him a cake."

"What kind of cake did you make him?"

"Who do I look like, Betty Crocker?"

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the judge asks the child "do you want to live with your father?"."no, he beats me." the kid answered. " do you want to live with your mother?" the judge asks "no, she beats me." the kid answered "who do you want live with then?" the kid answers "New York JETS, they never beat anybody."

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Who are this "General Failure" and why is he reading my hard disk!

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Four Dallas Cowboys in a car--who's driving?

The sheriff!!!!

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A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office for a checkup. Afterwards, the doctor took the wife aside and said, "Unless you do the following things, your husband will surely die." The doctor then went on to say, "Here's what you need to do." "Every morning make sure you serve him a good healthy breakfast. Meet him at home each day for lunch so you can serve him a well balanced meal. Make sure you feed him a good, hot meal each evening and dont overburden him with any stressful conversation, nor ask him to perform any household chores. Also, keep the house spotless and clean so he does'nt get exposed to any threatening germs." On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor said. She replied, "You're going to die".

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Q.Why did the blonde cross the road?

A.I don't know (neither did she)

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3 guys went to an interview for a job at the CIA, the first one was 25 yrs. old, the second was 35 yrs. old, the third guy was 45 yrs. old and they all had to bring their wives. So the first one went in and the CIA agent said as a test of loyalty he had to go into the room his wife was in and shoot her with the CIA agents gun, so he takes the gun and goes and about a minute later he comes in and explains how much he loves her so he leaves. The second one came in and was asked to do the same thing, so he takes the gun and about 15 minutes later comes in and explains how she is the mother of his children and he can't do it. Then the last guy comes in and was asked to do the same thing, so he goes and a few seconds later the CIA agent hears a BANG!! and after that he hears windows breaking and a whole bunch of raquet. So he goes to the room and kickes the door down and there is the man standing there with his dead wife at his feet and the CIA agent yells what have you done. The man says, SOME FREAK PUT BLANKS IN THE GUN SO I HAD TO CHOKE HER TO DEATH!!

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Q: Did you here about the Newfie terrorist who tried to blow up a school bus?

A: He burnt his lips on the exhaust pipe.

A mushroom walks into a bar and says "drinks are on me" the bartender said "why are you buying everybody drinks" then the mushroom said "because I'm just a Fungi"

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Q.How do you get a one armed MAN out of a tree?

A.Wave at him.

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Q: Why did the chicken cross the road? A: To meet the Budwiser frogs and get a beer.

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A hunter stopped into a bar for a beer at the end of his day.

"So you're a hunter," observed the bar maid. "Doesn't it depress you to kill beautiful and innocent animals who could never hurt anyone?"

"Not at all" said the hunter. "We hunters only kill the sick animals. The environment is better off because we kill animals that should be taken out of the wild. We provide a valuable service."

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What is the difference between a "Battery" and a woman? A. A battery has a positive side.

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Did you hear about the two additional victims of Heaven's Gate recently discovered at the mansion? The police found two blondes under the kitchen sink behind the comet Q.How did the town drunk break his arm raking leaves?

A.He fell out of the tree.

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A skelton walked into a dentist's office for a routine check up. "Well your teeth look fine" said the dentist, "but I'm afraid you'll have to come back a few times for gum disease treatments."

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Q. What does a beer bottle and a guy have in common?

A. There both empty from the neck up

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(1.Q) How many divorced Men does it take to screw in a light bulb?

(1.A) Who knows they never get the house.

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(2.Q) How many divorced Women does it take to screw in a light bulb?

(2.A) 4..... 1 to screw in the bulb, 3 to form a support group.

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What's the difference between God and a lawyer?

-God doesn't think he's an attorne

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Talk is cheap...until you hire a lawyer.

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Did you hear about the lawyer who named his daughter Sue?

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What kind of clothes do lawyers wear in court? -Lawsuits.

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How is a lawyer like a pickpocket? -Need you ask.

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A guy walks into a bar and says ouch!

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Why does the town idiot take his bedroom door off the hinges and put it to the side every night when he goes to sleep?

Because he's afraid someone would look through the keyhole if he left it up.

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Both the American Government and Robin Hood took money from the people. Robin Hood took money from the rich and gave it to the poor.

The government takes money from the people that it made poor, and gives it to the rich.

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A sandwitch walks into a bar and asks the bartender if he served food and he said no so the sandwich left

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There was this guy & he had just bought a brand new Ferrari F-50 and he was taking it for a cruise. He was stopped at a red light and this little boy on a mopehead stopped next to him and was at awe over the car. He asked the guy if he could ake a quick look inside and he agreed. Just as he was getting out of the car the boy asked the man how fast his car could go and he said. "oh, around 175-200. Want to see?" Of couse the boy nodded and waited for the light to turn green. The man took off at a very high rate of speed. As he was traveling down the road he saw a little light catching up with him and then flew right past him. 'no! it couldnt be the boy on the mopehead could it?" He asked to himself. Then the light came flying back and went way behind him. The guy then ralized that it indeed WAS the boy on the mopehead. Then the light started to catch up with him again. He slowed down a bit to catch up with the boy to find out exactly how he got the little bike to go that fast and in a stunned voice the boy looked at the man and siad.."Would you mind taking my suspenders off your rear view mirror?"

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the main difference between men and boys is

that men's toys cost more money

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Q.How do you confuse a blond?

A.You don't, they're born that way.

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There was a guy who just got out of a really bad divorce with his wife. One day, he found a genie's lamp.

The genie came out and said," Hello master. I will grant you three wishes but, what ever you wish for your wife gets double."

The guy didn't like that part but he made a wish anyway. For his first wish, he said,

"Genie, I want a house in Hawaii." POOF!!! He got one house, his wife got two. This didn't make him happy but, he made his second wish.

"Genie,I want 2 billion dollars." POOF! He got two billion, his wife four billion. By now, this guy isn't very happy. The genie says,"You have one wish left. I have to remind you, what ever you wish for your wife gets double." The guy says," Yeah,yeah.I know." So the guy thinks real hard and says "

I got it! Genie, beat me half to death!!"

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Why did the men from the Heavens Gate Cult prefer Mounds candy bars over Almond Joy?

Because Almond joy's have nuts and Mounds don't.

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A duck walks into a bar and asks "got any crackers?"

bar tender says no.

Duck walks out. Duck walks in the next day and asks, "got any crackers?"

bar tender says no. Duck walks out.

Duck walks in the next day and asks got any crackers?

Bar tender says, "I told you yesterday and the day before that no! and if you ask that one more time Ill nail your beak shut!" Duck walks out.

Duck comes back the next day and asks, "got any nails?" bar tender says no. Duck says "good. Got any crackers?"

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Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns don't work.

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Q: What flower is in between your nose and your chin?

A: Two lips!

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Q: How do you confuse a stupid person?

A: Put them in a round room and tell them to sit in the corner.

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What do you call a basement full of truckers? A. A Whine Cellar